My fight with God

It feels like I have been in a fight with God. 

He didn’t come through for me and I was furious. It felt like God had the perfect opportunity to show His amazing glory, and he didn’t.  He would have had an awesome testimony, and I would have had a baby and a uterus, but I don’t have either. He let me down.

The first few weeks I wanted nothing to do with reading my bible or praying or talking about God. It just made me too sad. Too mad really. I wish I could post about now – 2 months later - how I totally understand why He allowed everything so terrible to happen and how I completely trust that He is good and submit to His will over mine, but I am not there yet. I wish I could say I spent hours clinging to promises and singing hymns and praising God for all the blessings, and the fact he saved me from a very dangerous situation. But I didn’t.

Not even close. 

But now I am clawing to get back to that solid ground- slowly and desperately fighting to get there. Through forcing myself to read my bible and allow His voice to speak to me through it, through worship and songs that sing truth, even through just praying my anger toward God, and telling him my hurt and broken heart. Through weekly counseling, singing Jesus loves me to the boys (and me) 23 times a day, and through forcing myself to fellowship with people who can encourage me I feel I am healing my relationship with God. I am learning that sometimes things just don’t make sense and I may never understand this side of heaven. That even though things suck, He is still good.

I catch glimpses of how He is working in my life. Mark brings me flowers home from grocery shopping and it reminds me of how God has given me him, a best friend, during all this has served me and loved me so well. That my once painful stomach and leg, can now have a little boy touch it without horrible pain – He must be healing me.  That He allowed us to have one precious boy come from our bodies, and that we have had a funny, sweet 3 year old in our home every day, is pure grace. He did not need to give us even one child, and we have two. I can see things like McDonalds now serving diet Dr. Pepper and 59 cent cones as goodness from Him, that when paperwork goes easy or a doctor returns a call as help from God. Those small things are turning me back to my first love.

I still have hurt, and I still don’t understand, but I hope that this can be an encouragement to the hurting. Press in to Jesus. Keep faith and keep moving towards Him even when you’re mad and sad, he can handle it and loves you endlessly. 

- Brittany