It feels like I have been in a fight with God.
He didn’t come through for me and I was furious. It felt
like God had the perfect opportunity to show His amazing glory, and he
didn’t. He would have had an awesome
testimony, and I would have had a baby and a uterus, but I don’t have either.
He let me down.
The first few weeks I wanted nothing to do with reading my
bible or praying or talking about God. It just made me too sad. Too mad really.
I wish I could post about now – 2 months later - how I totally understand why
He allowed everything so terrible to happen and how I completely trust that He
is good and submit to His will over mine, but I am not there yet. I wish I
could say I spent hours clinging to promises and singing hymns and praising God
for all the blessings, and the fact he saved me from a very dangerous
situation. But I didn’t.
Not even close.
But now I am clawing to get back to that solid ground- slowly
and desperately fighting to get there. Through forcing myself to read my bible
and allow His voice to speak to me through it, through worship and songs that
sing truth, even through just praying my anger toward God, and telling him my
hurt and broken heart. Through weekly counseling, singing Jesus loves me to the
boys (and me) 23 times a day, and through forcing myself to fellowship with
people who can encourage me I feel I am healing my relationship with God. I am
learning that sometimes things just don’t make sense and I may never understand
this side of heaven. That even though things suck, He is still good.
I catch glimpses of how He is working in my life. Mark
brings me flowers home from grocery shopping and it reminds me of how God has
given me him, a best friend, during all this has served me and loved me so
well. That my once painful stomach and leg, can now have a little boy touch it
without horrible pain – He must be healing me. That He allowed us to have one precious boy
come from our bodies, and that we have had a funny, sweet 3 year old in our
home every day, is pure grace. He did not need to give us even one child, and
we have two. I can see things like McDonalds now serving diet Dr. Pepper and 59
cent cones as goodness from Him, that when paperwork goes easy or a doctor
returns a call as help from God. Those small things are turning me back to my
first love.
I still have hurt, and I still don’t understand, but I hope
that this can be an encouragement to the hurting. Press in to Jesus. Keep faith
and keep moving towards Him even when you’re mad and sad, he can handle it and
loves you endlessly.
- Brittany
